I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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