Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
