I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize