I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
