You're my little dorito
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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