Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
