There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
