My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
