jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
