She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
