Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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