you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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