she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
