Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
send nudes
from the living room?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
