Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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