I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
