FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
