I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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