I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
