I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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