i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
