You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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