nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
