I should be sponsored by Trojan
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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