it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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