I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
