I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
