I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
