I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
