my phone needs a breathalizer
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
