i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize