I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize