i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
His nipple licking is glorious
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