Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
