Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
