I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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