If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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