He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
