worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
