I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
