God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize