My liver just broke up with me...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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