booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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