So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
