So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
