I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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