Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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