At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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