In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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