I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
