roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
