Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize