K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
