I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
