i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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