Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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