The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
