i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
