If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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