respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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