Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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