cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
