My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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