Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
