There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
